How to Craft the Perfect Resume

As someone who has interviewed and worked for multiple companies, I’m disgusted by the amount of deceitful literature there is on the subject of employment. A large coalition of people are out there who seemingly don’t want you to get a job, and they’ve disseminated this information to make sure that is so. I’d like to help tip the scale in your favor. All I as for in return is $500. But we can worry about payment later.

When it comes to landing a job, nothing is more important than the resume. In the business world, your resume is the key that opens doors to your future. The better your resume, the more doors it can open. My resume is like a universal key, that has gotten me into interviews, meetings with CEOs, and even exclusive nightclubs. With a few pointers, you too can be well on your way to limousines, executive meetings, and even ordering bacon on your sandwiches without asking how much extra it’ll cost.

First off, you probably have your home address on your resume. This is a mistake. Delete it right now. You’re not impressing anyone. What you need to do: Go to Hollywood, California, and get a PO Box. Now, this is your address. Potential employers will say, “Wow! A movie star! I can’t believe HE wants to work for US!” If your employer asks if it’s an issue to relocate, since the job is in Manhattan, just say, “that’s Hollywood, baby!” They’ll be so charmed, you can now steer the conversation in another direction.

Sell It If You Have It

You want a job, right? Then you should be able to sell things. You know what your most valuable asset for sale is? That’s right, it’s you*. With that in mind, you should word every single sentence to highlight the positive attributes that you can bring to Some Company, Inc.

 *Your soul, specifically.

We’ll go through some of the bullet points on your resume, and see how we can polish them to a job-yielding sheen.

So you’re a little light on experience? Not a problem. What did you do at your internship?

  • Got coffee
  • Made copies

Stop being so humble. How’s this?

  • Directly impacted a high-energy environment
  • Coordinated and distributed confidential materials crucial to company success

Fake it

Technical Experience

  • Little to no experience with Microsoft Excel.

C’mon, dude. How hard could it be? (Seriously, I’m asking you. Is it hard?)

Technical Experience

  • Thorough knowledge of Microsoft Excel, multiple coding languages, co-founder of the Internet™

Dig It Up

Some may tell you that anything older than 5 years is no longer relevant for your resume. This is bullshit. Are you trying to tell me Michael Jackson, (rest his soul) wouldn’t put Thriller on his resume because it’s 32 years old? Exactly.

No More Humble Pie

Employers like to hear about any volunteer or philanthropy work that you do. Are you lacking any substantial volunteer experience? Be creative.

Volunteer Experience

  • Tipped $2.00 on a  $6.00 Bud Light at Cheesecake Factory. (33% gratuity).

This is just one of many examples you can use. Winking at a pretty lady, letting your roommate have your leftover pizza, and buying girl scout cookies are also legally considered acts of philanthropy.

Differentiate Yourself

Any resume worth its weight will have an Interests section. Here, you are showing your employer that you are, in fact, more than a piece of paper. Don’t hold back. This is by far the largest section of my resume. I’ve whittled down my interests to a concise eight-page section that details my hobbies (Sports, Beer) as well as my thoughts on the Fast and the Furious movie series.


You would think that this bad boy is ready to go. Not quite yet. Your first instinct is probably to print this out on a plain piece of weighted white paper, in a normal 12-point Times New Roman font. This is too old-school. Are you trying to work at a paper mill? I didn’t think so. Get with the times.

Break your resume into a series of tweets, and create your own trending topic like #ResumeOfTheGodDamnYear. When your interviewer asks for your resume, tell her to check the ‘net. Usually, she’ll be so impressed that you bypass the interview and are instantly hired on the spot. Congrats!

 Title Photo Credit: flickr