Imagine how different life would be like if you could meet someone and instantly know what makes them tick.
It is possible. You just need to put the effort into learning how to do it.
To make people like you, you have to understand what motivates them.
Growing up, I viewed people as always wanting so different things, but as I got older and experienced more of life, I began to see that once you strip away people’s titles, money, and ego, they are all one. By this I mean, we all at the core desire the same three things: to be loved, valued, and understood.
Today, we live in a self-serving culture where are are typically only conscious about what we want and how to make ourselves look the best. To me, this could work, but it is at the expense of the other truly important things in life like family, health, or relationships.
I recently read the book “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman, and it hit home due to its basis being that everyone has a different way of showing and wanting to receive love.
However, the trick is to figure out which way love should be expressed.
These are the 4 ways I have discovered to make people like you by truly relating to them.
1. Be conscious
When you are engaged in conversation with someone else, you must be conscious and actively listening to what the other person is saying. This is a given but one that I’ve found is easier said than done. By being truly conscious, you will be able to pick up on your partner’s queues/hints as to how they like to be shown love.
For example, I went on a date once and while speaking to the girl, I noticed that she was not overly enthusiastic when I complimented her nor did she care much about when I paid the bill. However, over the next four dates, I began realizing that she wanted to Facetime and talk on the phone throughout the days when we were apart. This is something that I do not do with other people, so as a busy man, I wanted to simply tell her, “Do not call me during your lunch, because I do not have time.” In reality, I simply did not want to talk on the phone. As the conversations grew from a simple hello and how are you to talking for ten minutes about what was great about her day, I saw a change in her demeanor. After each call, she seemed satisfied. She had a smile on her face even though I only gave her ten minutes of my time to talk.
I noticed that she wanted quality time from me, and I only noticed this because I began to be conscious of her body language during those moments of conversation. Regardless of physical attractiveness, I know that she was in a relationship with me because of the way I made her feel, not because of what I did or said. I only became aware of this because I began to truly be conscious during our interactions rather than assume what she wanted.
2. Ask questions
Make sure to always ask questions. I have realized that the more I am focused on the conversation before me, the more I can ask follow-up questions without forcing the conversation. One’s goal should be to ask such great follow up questions that the person you are speaking to does not realize that they are still talking. With these questions, it is your goal to realize what makes them tick.
3. Actively listen
Focus 100% of your attention on the conversation at hand while focusing on body language and tonality, and you will succeed in knowing what makes the other person’s heart tick.
4. Realize that everyone is different
I don’t know about you, but I love being affirmed in conversation. When someone compliment me on something very specific such as, “I love your new haircut because it makes you look more stylish,” compliment will make me smile and I will most likely view them in a greater light simply because they made my day. I love little compliments like that, but not everyone is the same way. To some, a compliment like that means nothing.
I have a friend who recently broke off a six-year relationship she was in. When I asked her what happened, she told me “He did not appreciate me. I had to do everything around the house such as clean, take the garbage out, and he never helped!” This informed me that she desired someone who would provide her with “acts of service” as it would be described in “The Five Love Languages.” If the boyfriend would have taken time to reflect and become conscious of what his girlfriend wanted, then I am extremely confident they would still be together.
People are all different. People want to be loved, valued, and understood. At the end of the day, we are all searching for love and stability, but in a self-serving culture, it becomes challenging to meet those demands. We must ask questions, show genuine interest, and actively focus on body language and tone of voice to be unforgettable with people we meet. If people were only conscious of what their partner, friend, or business associate wanted, life would be a lot easier for everyone.