I’ve Got 50 Trivial Problems

An emotional purge

I’ve had a strange couple of months, emotionally speaking. The other day I was complaining to a friend about my lot in life, and following said complaint with acknowledgment that I really don’t have it that badly at all, all things considered, and should cease venting.

She told me there was nothing wrong with focusing on your problems sometimes, because it helps you deal. Occasionally, she writes a list of her problems down in a journal, spends some time worrying about them, and then moves on. This helps with her anxiety, she said. I figured this would work for me, maybe, because my biggest problem is probably anxiety.

Since I’m narcissistic like a lot of people my age, I wrote some of my lesser issues down for all of you to read. (Or just my mom. Hi Mom!) My Animorphs erotic fiction is pretty much the only stuff I write that I don’t show to other people.


  1. Not sure if I’m any good at punching/fighting, because I have done neither except in dreams, a dimension wherein my fists swing very slowly, like I am under water.

  2. I get angry when people tell me I’m mispronouncing my name because of my western Pennsylvania accent. Why? Because this is impossible. My parents pronounce my name the same way I do, and since they’re the people who gave it to me the way they say it is the correct fucking way to pronounce it.

  3. I just accidentally bought three pairs of button-fly jeans, and am now losing about five minutes of productivity each day that I wear them. They turn every bathroom break into a terrible adventure.

  4. Couldn’t return the button-fly jeans, because I’d purchased them from a website with an “All Sales Final” policy.

  5. I question myself every time I think I have a great idea, because a voice in the back of my head is constantly reminding me that I used to really dig Limp Bizkit.

  6. My faith-based beliefs — or lack thereof — are an occasional source of fear and confusion. If my suspicions/assumptions are correct, I would prefer not to be correct. And it is human nature to hope that you are correct about things.

  7. I spend way too much time trying to plot a way to make people think that I am talented or artistic that will lead to fame and fortune instead of actually doing things that could better my life. I’ve dubbed this my “Terry Richardson Problem.”

  8. I ALWAYS wake up at least thirty minutes before my alarm goes off. Then I lie in my bed staring at the ceiling and trying my best not to panic about the forthcoming day. This never works.

  9. Sometimes I like to rub one out before I go to bed, and then I have the urge to urinate but can never do so until about ten minutes after I finish. And then when I do finally urinate, it burns a little bit and I can’t get it all out.

  10. I do not believe in fate. Which puts a lot of pressure on me, since I don’t think that there’s some crazy plan that is just going to put me where I should be when I need to be there.

  11. I do not do well under pressure.

  12. The Aerosmith song “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” has been perpetually stuck in my head since 1997.

  13. I occasionally complain about how busy I am, and then feel like a big old douche when I compulsively check Facebook for the forty-eighth time in an hour.

  14. I am not very manly, but I do grow a lot of chest hair, and I hate wearing undershirts underneath my button-ups. So people sometimes get the wrong perception because of my aesthetic and ask me to chop down trees or fix their cars.

  15. I cringe every time I think about how Blue Ivy is going to feel when she inevitably hears “Big Pimpin’” for the first time, and I cannot quit thinking about it.

  16. I’ve fallen into a habit where I will listen to a playlist of rain sounds on Spotify to fall asleep. Now I am uncomfortable sleeping anywhere anytime it doesn’t sound like it is raining steadily throughout the night.

  17. I am twenty-six years old and I still sleep with three stuffed animals and the blanket that was given to me the day I was born. I must limit myself to responding “why not?” when people ask me why I continue to do this. Because if I were to go into the real reasons why, it would take about three minutes to properly explain, and after I did explain you’d probably think I was out of my fucking mind.

  18. I say I don’t believe that these stuffed animals bring me luck and well-being, yet I do not cast them from betwixt my sheets.

  19. I’ve been having these recurring dreams where I’m a high school senior stepping onto the court for the biggest game of my life when aliens invade and people start being eaten by extraterrestrials and some science teacher is screaming “WE DIDN’T LISTEN!” and then I wake up clammy as Shaq in a sauna, because aliens scare the sweat out of me. Now I associate basketball (which I love) with aliens (which I fear).

  20. There are perpetual smudges on my left pinky and ring fingers because I am left-handed and still use pen/pencil and paper sometimes, for whatever fucking reason.

  21. Superstition (or low-level obsessive compulsive disorder) has produced in me a severe aversion to odd numbers. So if the television is on volume level 37, I can concentrate only on that, but feel too ridiculous about this to ask people to change the volume level by one point.

  22. My testicles have a tendency to lodge themselves up in my lower abdomen so often that it no longer phases me (which is probably way too fucking often). I just find the lumps in my torso and push them back down where they belong.

  23. I urinate with such frequency that it often makes social situations awkward, because one cannot leave the table for the restroom every twelve-and-a-half minutes and not explain that he has, like, the world’s smallest bladder, unless he wants new acquaintances to think he is the lowest energy cocaine addict to ever live.

  24. Because of my small bladder, I am unable to sleep more than six-and-a-half hours at a time without waking up to piss. Pees are usually long enough for me to lose some of my grogginess and begin thinking about things that keep me awake upon returning to my bed.

  25. When I neglect to shave for a bit, people often think I am growing a goatee, because the hair in the goatee area grows quicker and fuller than the rest of my facial hair. A few weeks ago, I grew it out for a while and my friends started calling me Bill Engvall.

  26. I live in constant fear that sometime I will be like, “I’m not your dad” to somebody and then he or she will be like, “Yes, you are.”

  27. I care way too much whether people like me or not.

  28. I have what is essentially a full-body yeast infection and as such am itchy all over, pretty much all of the time. And I cannot drink for at least an entire month, while I take an antibiotic to get the yeast out of me.

  29. My torso is abnormally long for my height, making it difficult to purchase shirts that don’t expose gut from anywhere other than GAP.com. And their graphic T-shirt selection is ultra weak.

  30. I text no woman more than I text my mom. 🙁

  31. I’ve never been able to get past the “Don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” thing. My doctor told me that because of this, I had been running with a goofy gait for years, which eventually caused a knee problem—meaning I’ll never get to fulfill my lifelong goal of dunking on LeBron’s James’s stupid head.

  32. I once saw a woman I’d hooked up with in a pornographic video on the Internet. This has had negative—and lasting—implications. But also arousing implications. I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

  33. When I put on weight, it accumulates in the chest area, forming breast-like protrusions that chafe against T-shirts during strenuous physical activity. Then I have to stop said physical activity due to the blood and pain, which prevents me from getting rid of my man-breasts.

  34. I spend more time drawing squares in my notebook and coloring them in with a pen than I do writing, probably. I spend more time doing a lot of dumb shit than I do writing, I suppose.

  35. The bathtub in my apartment has been broken for the better part of a month. It won’t drain. My roommate and I have to bail it out with a mop bucket every time we want to shower. And my superintendent won’t come over to fix it. (Hugo, if you’re reading this: what the fuck, man? We know you’re home.)

  36. My nose is crooked and one ear sits lower on the side of my head than its counterpart, so glasses look idiotic on me.

  37. My mobile phone doesn’t seem to understand that I almost never text people to say I “don’t give a duck,” “duck off,” or “I was too busy ducking your wife to give any ducks about that.” Ducking autocorrect. (See what I did there?)

  38. Every time I’m sitting down on the subway and a woman I would consider “elderly” boards, I fight an intense internal battle. To cede one’s seat for an elderly or handicapped person is common decency. Everybody knows that. But I’m worried that if I stand up and ask a woman if she wants to take my seat, she will be offended that I think she is old enough to be offered a seat.

  39. I have a habit of referring to women of all ages as ma’am, and often get reprimanded by ones who believe they are not old enough to be addressed by that title.

  40. I have a habit of forgetting that the fact I’m wearing headphones doesn’t mean every person on the block is listening to Lorde on full blast—meaning they can actually hear it just fine when I fart loudly and repeatedly near them.

  41. I spend too much time wondering about why an ex would defriend me on Facebook. Was it meant to be passive aggressive? Had I posted one too many sardonic statuses about people getting engaged? Did she somehow find out that I’ve saved every risque picture she’s texted and emailed to me on an external hard drive backed up by another external hard drive and three separate cloud systems?

  42. I can’t stop thinking about why in the hell I would search for this ex in the first place. (It’s how I found out she had defriended me.)

  43. I can’t stop myself from taking mean online comments seriously.

  44. There’s a cowlick above my right eyebrow, and I am unable to stop myself from touching it incessantly when I am nervous or anxious about something. Which is just about every waking hour of my day.

  45. Sometimes I worry that when I get older I’ll regret not going out as often in my youth and, you know, sowing my wild oats or whatever. Currently, I am very happy to hang out at home watching television—even though I realize I will have plenty of time later in life to be borderline agoraphobic.

  46. I have a thirst that is rarely quenched, so I’m constantly drinking water and other beverages. This hollow leg often segues into times when I am out drinking alcohol, causing me to get HAMMERED DRUNK quicker than everyone else, without even meaning to.

  47. Sometimes I’ll touch certain fabrics just after cutting my fingernails. This makes me shiver and freak out.

  48. I cut one of those nails too short this morning and now the exposed skin stings.

  49. I have large thumbs that make it difficult to type on my iPhone, but my favorite way in which to communicate is via text message.

  50. I have this crippling anxiety problem where most mornings when I wake up it feels like all my worries and negative feels are trying to burst out of my stomach like an alien. This feeling stays with me most of the day, depending on variables that I can’t fully control or even identify.

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