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Become a coffee dude


It’s time to climb aboard the funnest ship in town.

Editor’s note: We recently ran a piece highlighting Louis Corwin – a coffee shop entrepreneur in Dallas Texas. You can revisit this piece: “Portrait of a Coffee Shop Entrepreneur” to understand this entrepreneur’s inspiring tale.  Today’s piece touches the other end of the spectrum – on some of what we can only assume are the various rewarding (and slightly sarcastic) aspects of being a barista. Enjoy!

Working in the corporate world? Lawyer are we? Bored as fuck? Mind numbed? Surrounded by pricks? It’s time to climb aboard the Barista train. There’s no first class seats, but who wants that? Welcome to a brave new world.

Working in a proper non chain coffee shop is many things. And according to my mate Sam they’re all positive. He takes quite a lot of Ket though so his reality might be slightly skewed.

Number 1 on the list is the range of enlightenment. Think of the ‘characters’ you’ll meet. Writers, poets and vagabonds calling in for their daily fix. Or maybe that’s just what they say. Suppose it should be a bit like a pub without the drunken, leery arseholes. You get to talk with hipsters who give you funny looks and wear jeans a size too tight.

Numero 2 — They play funky tunes in coffee shops. Tick.

3) You get sheer fulfilment. Imagine making something that people enjoy, multiple times a day. Something, that’s actually useful and delicious. Something, that fuels the nation. Plus you’re creating something beautiful. You’re a bit like michaelangelo in a shitter sense. You’re fighting the system rather than filling in spreadsheets and dying a little bit inside every day.

4) You get free top banana coffee, every fucking day. Well, maybe everydays a bit of a stretch. Your boss may be a dick who pays you minimum wage, but maybe just maybe he’ll chuck you a few machiato’s on the house. If not just make and take. It’s technically theft but so are lots of things.

In at mid table mediocrity) You get to call yourself and others in your team ‘barista’. You’re a specialist, like a surgeon albeit with less skills and qualifications.

Number 6 is a big winner — If you play your cards right you never have to get up before 11am ever again. Which means you can drink until you piss yourself on a Tuesday night and still make it into the office refreshed and with a full English down you. No one other than celebs can do this.

7’s a given. Coffee’s cool. You by association are cool; at least until you hang up your barista strings.


8) You will grow a way cool beard. So fuck if you’re a lady, thems the rules bitches.

Numero 9 hints at your creative side. You’ll be in a band, or paint or write as a cool side project. You’ll most likely be pish but that’s not the point. You have a dream. You’ll appear deep, windswept and interesting.

10 is something we all dream of. You can talk with hipsters at parties. There’s nothing they love more than a good skinny, fair trade flat white after a night drinking overpriced craft beer in Shoreditch. Be warned though, don’t sell your soul and work at Starbucks. They’ll treat you like a leper.

Lucky number sleven? Coffee is like crack. People need it. Basic economics of supply and demand rests in your favour. You’ll always have a job. Your income is more secure than those on the dole, and we all know the mess that’s in.

And last but by no means least — If you make it big and get to New York, you get to call it ‘Quoffee’.


Title Photo Credit: flickr
This article was originally published on Medium and is reposted here with the expressed written consent of the author

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Written by Ryan Mullan

Talk is cheap. Bearded. @Ryansayshola.