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Four Things Millennials Aren’t Doing in the Workplace That They Srsly F*cking Should Be

Serious Advice for a Serious Generation

Let’s face it, your boss is right behind you as you are reading this, and you don’t give two shits about it. You probably need to call Trevor from accounting (you call him T-Bone behind his back) because he needs that spreadsheet updated and has been asking for a week now. Seriously, T-Bone is freaking the fuck out. And because no one babied you along, that needy intern whose name you will never learn can fuck off. He’s just a glorified errand boy anyway. You’re doing the real work.

But there are some things you’re probably not thinking about. Important deliverables you’re simply not…er…deliverabling. Here are some ways millennials can get ahead in their careers and empower each other beyond those encouraging ass pats at the water cooler.

1. There is no such thing as too much networking.

 Don’t be afraid to use your precious weeknights sucking up to people who can advance your career. Every chance you get, you need to be tickling someones balls or teasing someones nipples with an ice cube. Yes, that is a metaphor, but it doesn’t have to be. 

 We all love our holidays, but lets be real, sometimes they just aren’t worth it. Why spend Christmas fucking around with extended family members you haven’t seen in years when you could be schmoozing it up at the Young Professionals Charity That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do With Charity happy hour? Get yourself out there. The takeaway is, don’t do what youwant—do what you want yourself to do in order to be a more “successful” you.

2. Don’t shit where you work

Yes, number two is about “number two”. Social scientists (they’re a thing, trust me) have done some pretty shoddy research about this intriguing subject. We can jump to some big conclusions which will motivate you and allow you to make better use of your time.

A lot of millennials take shits at work. According to me, the average millennial spends up to fifteen minutes per day taking shits on company time. For a young person working on an average salary, this can amount to being paid thousands of dollars annually just to pinch a few loaves. That fifteen minutes could be used actually answering T-Bone’s emails, or flirting with that older secretary who you tell your friends “is kinda old but would still bang”.

Its simple. Shit at home, and increase your productivity tenfold.

3. Change meeting times at the last second

Meetings, conference rooms, appointments.

These are things and places that crush dreams. Traditionally, you are the meeting’s bitch. The conference room is your prison. And you better not miss that appointment, gridlocked traffic or not. If you could reply “bitch don’t kill my vibe” to every meeting invite, you would—but you are trying to remain employed. There is hope, however.

Whenever you get that pleasant reminder at 8:45 AM that the sales meeting is starting in fifteen minutes, email the attendees and change the meeting time. I recommend scheduling the meeting to another day entirely, but an inconvenient time on the same day like 12:30 PM, or 4:45 PM, is also a creative way to go about it. It works especially well for clients visiting the office from another city.

Take charge; be unpredictable. Your clients and coworkers will be impressed.

4. Stop taking interest in your coworkers’ lives

I’ve overheard a lot of millennials engage in small talk like this:

T-Bone: Hey, how was your weekend?

Cigarette Smoking, Donut Hoarding HR Employee: It was great! I got to see my stepdaughter, groomed three of my sixteen cats, and got to three hundred steps on my pedometer.

T-Bone: Well that’s good!

Cigarette Smoking, Donut Hoarding HR Employee: Yeah! You weren’t even born when I was being potty trained! Haha! [scarfs a donut hole]

T-Bone: Haha!

The HR employee in this scenario doesn’t care about T-Bone. That is why this person has been around for so long; they are dead on the inside. Not caring about the lives of your coworkers will help you avoid situations like this one. Taking a genuine interest in your cohorts’ hobbies and families will only detract from your work. One thing that will matter in your career is realizing how much other people just don’t matter. 

These tips seem simple in theory, but they can be difficult to execute. If you practice every day, and visualize yourself where you want to be in your career, you can truly reach your potential. Millennials worry about empowering each other, but it is time to stop worrying. If you empower yourself first and stop worrying about your hapless fuckwit peers, you will accomplish wonders.

Title Photo Credit: flickr

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